How to Get Jacked as a Christian
4 Easy Steps to Getting Absolutely Shredded as a Jesus Follower
We’re back with our third how-to guide! This time to address a sincerely important question. How are Christians supposed to get jacked? Let’s get right into it. The sooner you get done reading this, the sooner you can implement these four easy steps and be one of the most ripped, muscular, Christians at your church. Which will be helpful especially when you’re evangelizing because when you walk up to a stranger to share the gospel, they’ll be so scared and intimidated by your shredded muscles they’ll be too scared to walk away and therefore be forced to listen to you tell them about how Jesus is God and loves them and died for them and then they’ll believe and repent of their sins and go to Heaven and when people ask you how you got so many people saved, you’ll tell them it’s all because you’re jacked.
Have Long Hair
C’mon guys, this is basic. The story of Samson and his long hair in the Book of Judges tells us everything we need to know about getting muscular beyond belief. It’s in the hair. When that girl he was simping for and had a situationship with, Delilah, betrayed him and had it cut, he lost all his strength.1 Another real-life example that supports this is the character Maui from the movie Moana. I rest my case.
Bench Press a Fellow Christian
When it comes to this tip, it’s crucial that you bench a Christian and not an unbeliever. This is because the Bible says that Christ lives in us, and my guess is that Jesus was at least 150 pounds. Maybe more I don’t know. So, when you bench a Christian, they’ll be even heavier and therefore help you get more jacked. They can also remind you of how weak you are with every rep which will be encouraging.
Just place your fellow Christian wherever you see a barbell. Get a Cat
If you’ve read my other how-to guides, you might be starting to realize that getting a cat can actually solve a lot of your problems. Getting a cat can help you get jacked because they will remind you constantly that you’re not sexy. Whenever you get undressed in front of them, they’ll stare disapprovingly at your body which will motivate you to go to the gym and get jacked.
It’s hard to tell but he’s staring directly at my lack of muscles. Bring Your Bible to the Gym
Listen, I cannot stress this final step enough. Bringing your Bible to the gym is so essential because when you read it during your workouts, you’ll be so distracted by God’s amazing awesome Word that you won’t even be thinking about how much pain your body is in and how tired you’re getting. The Book of Revelation is actually perfect for this because you’ll also be so confused about how the world is going to end and when exactly you’ll get raptured that you’ll forget you’re exercising entirely.
I hope this helps! I know getting ripped is one of the highest values for Christians and in marriage. You should also definitely listen to me because the last time I went to the gym, I finally moved up to using the 15-pound weights and when I asked my husband if I looked shredded, he said “Yes,” and husbands don’t just tell their wives what they want to hear. They’re honest.
Katie Donohue Tona
If any of these tips are helpful for you, let me know in the comments! And if you liked this post, you might also like:
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Simp (/sɪmp/) is an internet slang term describing someone who shows excessive sympathy and attention toward another person, typically to someone who does not reciprocate the same feelings, in pursuit of affection or a sexual relationship. This behavior, known as simping.
Situationship refers to a Generation Z slang term describing an ambiguous romantic relationship or sexual relationship that is undefined and noncommittal. People in a situationship are more than friends but less than committed romantic partners.
Hi Katie! Almost spit my coffee on this one. Good job! Looking forward to your work.
😂😂