How to Get an INSANE Number of Subscribers in Just One Month

4 Easy Steps to Increase Your Free & Paid Subscriber List

Let’s cut to the chase. We’ve all been seeing these posts about how to further our reach, increase our number of subscribers, and acquire more paid subscriptions. Here’s four easy tricks I learned to do just that.

1. Eat Cereal

   Is this a cute play on words? What do I mean by this? Listen, this is crucial. We absolutely must quite literally eat cereal because how are you supposed to increase your subscriber list on an empty stomach? I personally prefer Honey Nut Cheerios, but any cereal will do. Making a bowl of cereal is also one of the laziest meals to throw together which saves you even more time so you can focus on doing these next three steps.

2. Stare at Your Current List of Subscribers Longingly 3 Times Per Day

   It has to happen at least three times per day. One to two times per day will not make the number of subscribers go up. I tested it. Plus, if you never stare at your subscriber list, do you even care?

3. Get a Cat

   Think about it. All the greatest writers in history had at least one cat. Just look at Charles Bukowski and Ernest Hemingway, for example. Look how they turned out. Also, I got bit by my cat recently and I immediately thought, “If I had an insane number of subscribers, I wouldn’t have a cat that bites. He would never bite someone successful.” This motivated me to keep pursuing more subscribers because we only have so many Band-Aids in our home and I refuse to buy more. And, after eight years of owning my cat, I’m still striving to win his undying affection. I also might be in a trauma bond with him but now we’re getting off topic.

   

   Circa 2018 when I attempted to take my cat on a walk. He did not enjoy this experience.

4. Fall into Existential Dread Wondering if Your Publication is Attractive Enough

   I cannot stress this final step enough. Publications that thrive are always sexy. So, if you haven’t reached a bare minimum of 500-1000 subscribers in your first month, you immediately know it’s because your publication is simply not sexy enough. Oh, and also, you have no friends. Because if you did, they would be recommending you and making collaboration posts with you so you can be found by more readers. This also means that you, in fact, are not sexy enough.

I hope this helps! As someone who has less than 40 free subscribers at the time of this newsletter, I think I’m qualified to give this advice. I don’t want to give you my exact number of subscribers because I don’t want anyone to compare themselves to me and become envious because that’s a sin. And I don’t want to be responsible for making someone else stumble into sin. It’s bad for my reputation.

If any of these tips are helpful for you, let me know in the comments!

Katie Donohue Tona

If you liked this, you might also like:

How to be Holier than Your Friends

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