How to be Holier than Your Friends

4 Easy Steps to be Way Godlier than Anyone You Know

We’re back with another how-to guide. This time to address the one question that plagues every Christian: “Am I holier than my friends?” Worry not, I have comprised these four easy steps to ensure you’ll never question yourself again. I spent countless minutes researching the most reliable, peer reviewed Wikipedia articles, Reddit forums, and Facebook comment sections to organize this list for you all. So, let’s get started.

1. Eat a Holy Breakfast

   When you’re deciding what to have for breakfast every morning, just ask yourself one question. Do they serve this at church? If the answer is no, then you probably shouldn’t eat it because then you’ll be less godly. I know for my American nondenominational friends, this pretty much just leaves you with coffee and donuts. You’re welcome. And you’ll know you’re holier than your friends when you ask them what they had for breakfast. Sarah had avocado toast? Not godly. John had bacon and eggs? Super not godly. Because if it was, they’d serve it at church. And for all you Catholics out there deciding what to have for breakfast, well…

   

   wine

2. Only Listen to Holy Music

   A lot of people think that listening to Christian music makes you godlier, but I say take a step further. Only listen to Chris Tomlin. Why? Simple. Chris Tomlin is the godliest of all Christian worship artists. If your friends are listening to other Christian artists outside of Chris, then you automatically know you’re holier than them.

3. Get a Cat

   Think about it. Cats can be jerks. They’ll make you feel much holier by comparison. For example, recently I reached to pet my cat when he was having his introverted time and he tried to bite me. I immediately thought, “See? I’m much holier than him. I would never try to bite someone who touched my head. Also, Jesus never bit anyone in the Bible. My cat is so not being like Jesus right now.”

   

   Exhibit A: taken from the time I attempted to make my own bed while my cat stared menacingly at me. He won. I did not make the bed.

4. Always Get to Church 30 Minutes Before Your Friends

   I cannot stress this final step enough. If you’re not getting to church early, are you even holy? Holiness depends on who gets to church first. This also means that if you have a friend who serves on the worship team/praise band/church choir/group of sing song instrument people and rehearsal starts at 6:00 AM, you still have to get there 30 minutes before them. When the band leaders ask you why you’re at the church so early, all you have to tell them is, “I’m trying to be more holy than _____,” and they’ll nod and understand completely. I know this firsthand because when I served on my church’s worship team as a vocalist, I always felt less holy than the people who got there first.

I hope this helps! I’ve spent a lot of time studying what truly makes someone holy. I didn’t check the Bible or anything, but I know when Jesus was a kid and left His mom and dad for three days, He didn’t just get to temple early but was there pretty much the whole time and He’s, like, the holiest. Oh, and when I say “a lot” of time studying, I don’t mean a whole day or anything or even a whole hour, but you should still trust me because that’s the one thing they taught us in Christian school when the internet was invented. Always trust everything you read on the internet. And from Joel Osteen.

Katie Donohue Tona

If any of these tips are helpful for you, let me know in the comments! And if you liked this, you might also like:

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