What's Your Marriage Mission Statement?
And Crafting the 10 Pillars of Your Marriage
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Ryan and I have officially returned from our annual marriage retreat. We left baby girl with grandparents and took a short staycation to assess our 10 pillars of marriage and mission statement. Ideally, we wanted to do this in January like we did last year, but life had other plans. A shattered collarbone, months without paid medical leave, and a home selling story from heck have stood in our way. But better late than never. We got a little sun kissed, received poor food service, had the best buffalo chicken wrap Ryan says he’s ever had (shocking, honestly), pumped a lot of breastmilk, and realigned ourselves with our shared values and goals.
(If this post inspires you to get with your spouse and do the same, yay! If you’re single but you already want to start thinking and praying about the kind of marriage the Lord wants for you, also yay! If you’re turned off by my camp counselor vibes, don’t worry I am too! Your mission statement and pillars might look a lot different than ours. Jesus might be calling us to vastly different things depending on what season you’re in compared to us. But I hope you leave here inspired, warm and fuzzy, or at the very least, motivated to take a trip to Florida, get in the sun, and get some juice.)
When Ryan and I first got married, we got this idea to make 10 pillars for our marriage and a mission statement. Call us a nerdy married couple, but we think it’s fun to be a forever student on the topic of a godly marriage. We’ll listen to the same podcasts about marriage, read a book together about marriage, watch closely the marriages of people we admire within our church. So, when I brought the idea to Ryan one day that we should make these pillars and a mission statement, he jumped on it with enthusiasm. 10 values to share, pursue, hold each other accountable for, and a mission statement to anchor our covenant in.
With such a task at hand, we decided to go on a personal marriage retreat in Cocoa Beach, Florida, a short road trip for us Central Florida locals. I was also in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy, so it doubled as a babymoon. And whether it was on the cold white sand of the east coast or cozied up together with hot coffees in a cafe, together we prayerfully came together and asked ourselves and the Lord,
What is Your will for this marriage?
What are You calling us to as married couple, as one flesh?
First, we each wrote down our personal goals, both short term and long term, for these seven categories and discussed: our relationship, faith, mental/emotional, intellectual, physical, vocational, and financial.
Then we separately wrote down what we thought the 10 pillars of our marriage should be and compared. Surprisingly, but not so surprisingly, almost all of them were the same. Thank you, Lord! What a confirmation. I like to think that was the fruit of abiding in Jesus, that as one flesh He really was making us of one mind.
With coffees gone cold, a nearly empty cafe, and one achy pregnant lady later (me), we wrote the final draft of our 10 pillars and a mission statement. As the years go on and seasons change, our pillars and mission statement will probably change too as the Lord leads us. But for now, here they are.
We abide in Jesus (through prayer, fasting, worship, and the reading of the Word), loving like Him, being an example to each other, our family, and the world of Christ’s love for the Church.
“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15: 4-5
We value “us”, prioritizing friendship, fun, love, and romance.
“Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.” Song of Solomon 2:2
We strive for a peace-first mentality in all that we do.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” Matthew 5:9
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:18
“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:1-3
We do not operate as an island, but surround our marriage and family with loving, godly community because life is not meant to be done alone and iron sharpens iron.
“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24-45
We create a home that serves both family, friends, and strangers through its environment and the peace and love it emanates.
“And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15
“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’… The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’” Matthew 25: 35-40
We make time for travel and adventure valuing the zest of life.
“I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man.” Ecclesiastes 3:12-13
We steward all our finances and material possessions given by God responsibly, creating security and stability for ourselves and our family.
“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?” Luke 16: 10-12
We are committed to being parents who our children love, respect, and enjoy, raising them in Christ’s love and the way of Jesus.
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4
“Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.” 1 Peter 5: 2-4
“When your son asks you in time to come, ‘What is the meaning of the testimonies and the statutes and the rules that the Lord our God has commanded you?’ then you shall say to your son, ‘We were Pharaoh’s slaves in Egypt. And the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand. And the Lord showed signs and wonders, great and grievous, against Egypt and against Pharaoh and all his household, before our eyes. And he brought us out from there, that he might bring us in and give us the land that he swore to give to our fathers. And the Lord commanded us to do all these statutes, to fear the Lord our God, for our good always, that he might preserve us alive, as we are this day.” Deuteronomy 6:20-24
We never forget that our marriage and family are precious gifts from God.
“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22
“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.” Psalm 127:3
We are growth-oriented, working on ourselves and encouraging one another to be all that God has called us to be as individuals, spouses, parents, and workers.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.” 2 Corinthians 13:11
“We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience…” Colossians 1:9-11
In short you could say our pillars are:
Jesus
Intimacy
Peace
Community
Servitude
Adventure
Financial Responsibility
Parenthood
Remembrance
Growth
And lastly, our mission statement:
“Our mission is to love Jesus, abide in Him, and radiate His love onto each other, our family, and the world. We do this by implementing Philippians 4:8 in our marriage, having a peace-first mindset, and always seeking to grow both individually and together.” -The Tonas
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
Now before you say, That sounds like a lot of work, Katie. No thanks, we’ll manage. Let me just say this. Doing this was fun! Asking the Lord to give vision and direction for our marriage and family was encouraging, uplifting, and edifying. Plus, after our first marriage retreat, Ryan and I felt more bonded, united, and motivated, truly on the same team with the same clear vision in mind.
And throughout our marriage, when one of us inevitably falls short in one area or another, the word “abide” grabs hold of me. The pillars ring in my ears. Philippians 4:8 pounds on the door of my heart when my flesh is fighting to do anything but.
I get to live in the gift of conviction. I get to rest in and rely on my husband to lovingly hold me upright. As the helper that God assigned me as, I get to help my husband be the man God has called him to be.1 I am faced with the request to ask the Lord to etch these scriptures and our mission onto our hearts.
Maybe Jesus has called you and your spouse to missions, maybe to generosity and financial giving, to a business, adoption, a particular ministry, or maybe simply to Himself, to the Word of God, to prayer and fasting. Maybe you only need five pillars, or seven, or maybe just three. Whatever it may be, it might be fun to sit together and hash things out.
What are our goals and values in this season? Do we need to update them? What is our shared mission? What are you hearing from the Lord? What am I? Your answers might surprise one another, or they might bring a beautiful confirmation.
Bonus points if you can back it up with the Word of God. Because as much as I’d like to get something off my Amazon and Etsy wish lists every month, the scriptures (and my husband) say there are much more important things to focus on.
Do you and your spouse have a mission statement or pillars that you live by? If so, feel free to share in the comments!
Katie Donohue Tona
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“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” Genesis 2:18
Love this! I love that your husband was so on board. Would love to meet someone like that someday. :)
Would love to hear how you guys met in a post someday! Or link me up if you did already! ;)
Been married for 18 months and I absolutely love this idea! thank you so much for sharing