Playing with Wildflowers in Winter

Adjusting to the slow quiet life of motherhood as a previously career-driven woman

The world asks, “What do you do?”

“I’m a therapist”, I know I’m supposed to say.

And I do. But I want to say, “I’m a daughter of the King. I’m a wife and mom. Jesus has called me to no greater ministry. I actually don’t see many clients anymore. Just enough to help pay our many bills. Mostly, I’m home with my baby girl. The Lord has also given me a passion for writing. I dream it will be my version of the Proverbs 31 woman who sells her handmade linen garments to merchants. What about you? Who do you love? Who do you serve? How do you glorify God? Ah, that’s beautiful. Amen.”

Baby girl and I have been playing with wildflowers this winter. Going on long walks to wave at the birds, sitting on a park bench overlooking the glittering water as Daisy practices standing up and sitting back down. Starting our mornings with breastfeeding cuddles, unrushed giggles and tickles, playful diaper changes, some coffee, toys, and breakfast for the two of us in our little kitchen, a podcast or jazz or worship playing in the background. Meeting up with other mama friends and their babies, pondering together how we will raise our children in the Kingdom. Taking care of our home, finding the balance between chores and the child who is constantly vying for my attention every waking moment.

Adjusting to the slow quiet life of motherhood as a previously career-driven woman brings me a peace that only comes from the Lord Himself. With all its financial sacrifices, its learning curve in uncharted waters, it is worth every moment.

It’s slow, it’s peaceful, it’s full of love, of laundry, of giggles, of tears, of diapers, of dishes, of prayer, of worship. It also means I am on my phone less and with a baby in my arms more. It means I’m sharing less online and sharing gazes with my daughter more. It means I’m scrolling the screen less and soaking up the life right in front of me more.

There is a joy and peace with Jesus in this role that I never tasted as a “strong independent” career-driven woman in the world. Being a mom is far more difficult, far more taxing on my mind, heart, and body, and requires far more hours per week (all the hours actually), than any job of I’ve ever had, and yet Jesus has transformed my heart and mind. He has reorganized my priorities. I’ve never felt more like I’m right where God wants me being a mama and taking care of our home. If I were to do anything else, I know I would be living in disobedience. This is what He has called me to. A younger version of me in college and grad school would be so confused and judgmental. But I can give her a break, she didn’t truly know Jesus yet.

If you’ve read my previous post, I was Delivered from Mental Illnesses by the Power of the Holy Spirit & I'm Afraid to Talk about It: Why getting sold out for Jesus made me question my career as a therapist, then you read about how the Lord made me a new creation and how much I’ve questioned by career as a therapist. The Lord has shown me that I can still be His hands and feet, that there is great value walking alongside someone in their grief and loss, in giving someone the space to express, to feel, maybe safely for the first time in their life, and even the benefit of walking alongside fellow Christians who have known tremendous pain. But Jesus is the only one who can truly heal and break chains and make us walk in complete freedom from our trials. I know that now. He is the one who transformed my mind around my identity, who replaced my worldly thoughts and desires with His, who called me to be a mother, to steward no greater ministry than my family.

“So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Corinthians: 16-17

When I was growing up, you wouldn’t hear something like, “What do you want to do after high school? What do you want to study in college?” You’d hear things like, “So what university are you going to? What do you want your master’s degree to be in? Or your doctorate? You should be a doctor or a lawyer. Don’t ever put yourself in a position to need to be taken care of by a man.”

But I wanted to be a writer and a mom. Secondary to that, I wanted to perform in musical theater singing, dancing, and acting, to do something with the arts with all my interests in drawing, painting, sculpting, etc.

I give my parents some grace when it came to their push on me to pursue a higher education and a career from a young age. They wanted what’s best for me. They are both from immigrant families, too, and I always wondered if that had something to do with their ideology on the value of working and being successful. The importance of making something of yourself in this country. My mom came to the United States from the Philippines as a young woman and my dad is a first generation American. His parents (my grandparents) came by ship as teenagers from Ireland into the famous Ellis Island, New York. They met one another after living in New York City. That was back in the early 1900’s when the Irish were discriminated against and not allowed to apply for many city jobs, too.

When I was in my late teens and early 20’s, my self-worth and identity were tied up in my academic success and my resume. If I wasn’t moving upward on the career ladder, constantly hustling and bustling to make more money, network with more people, gain a better and better job title, I felt lazy, worthless, and unlovable. Oh, how I wept when the Lord made me realize that I am completely worthy of love simply because I am His child. That I only have one identity, and it is that I am His. What a relief. What a weight lifted. I could rest.

Do I deserve His love? No, I have been too sinful and He is too holy. But does He look at me and count me worth it? Worth it to live and die for. Worth it to be the sacrifice for all my wrongdoing, pay the debt for all my sins by being tortured and murdered on the cross. Worth it to pursue me. Worth it to heal me. Worth it to love me. Oh yes. A billion times yes. And you’re worth it to Him, too, Reader. Don’t forget that. Let it transform you. In Jesus’ name.

When I was pregnant, I was overcome by this strange desire to bake bread and make a vegetable garden. I started joking around with all my friends and my therapist letting them know about this weird maternal longing that was inside of me. Did I do those things? No. Our kitchen is far too small for such an endeavor and we live in a condo. But I was curious.

I remember sitting in quiet time with the Lord one morning bringing my thoughts and feelings to His feet. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, to throw away everything I ever worked for just to be home with my baby, to just be wife and mom. The most beautiful and worthy justs I could ever be, I thought. Something I never imagined I would want. Something that I even once judged and looked down upon when I was a teenager and in college.

I thought you wanted me to be a therapist, I said to the Lord in prayer, to use everything I have ever been through to help others. I thought you wanted to use me as a vessel.

I didn’t want you to be a therapist only so you could help others, I felt the Lord say immediately. I wanted you to be a therapist to help you.

Tears instantly welled up in my eyes. My face muscles all tensed and squished together as I began to weep.

I didn’t know how to communicate effectively before becoming a therapist. I didn’t know how to apologize, to receive love from others, to make healthy boundaries in my life. I didn’t know how to securely attach to friends or a romantic partner. I didn’t know how vital it was to open up to others in vulnerability, to face our past traumas with boldness and courage, to have empathy for the self. Shoot, I didn’t even know what was trauma and what wasn’t. I didn’t know what healthy habits I needed to maintain good mental health. I didn’t have the language to describe my childhood or the awareness to understand how it impacted me in every physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual way until I went to school and studied psychology and clinical mental health counseling for six and half years.

It was for me, God? For me? For me? I wept and prayed.

Yes.

I was talking to some girl friends (who love Jesus) recently who are currently pursuing big jobs. Lawyer, nurse practitioner, etc. They were expressing their questions they have for themselves on if they are doing the right thing by postponing getting married and having children for school or their careers. I placed my hand on the table, looked directly into their eyes, and said very seriously, “If you know that is what Jesus has called you to do, then there is absolutely a reason for it. You’re right where He wants you.” Because it’s true. It was true for me.

(Also, I know there are some families where a mom dropping down to work part-time or not work at all is just not possible. My heart reaches for them. That’s not the group of people I’m speaking to.)

“Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God…

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

These, then, are the things you should teach. Encourage and rebuke with all authority. Do not let anyone despise you.” Titus 2: 4-5, 11-15

It’s interesting how the world pushes us women to work no matter what, to put our kids in daycare, to place the value of our job title and yearly income over the role of being a mother. To place the value of hours at the office over hours playing with, teaching, and comforting our children. It’s interesting that homeschooling is often met with questions and negative connotations, that stay-at-home moms are said to not contribute as much to society as a woman in the workforce does. (Dare I say, it’s interesting that the enemy, Satan, wants to steal, kill, and destroy¹ God’s design of the home and how it is run and taken care of.)

As if raising the next generation of citizens who will lead this country, our cities, marry our sons and daughters, is not valuable work. It’s normal in America to pour your entire being into your academics and your career, but once you have children, why are there questions around pouring yourself wholeheartedly into your family?

“You’ll lose yourself in motherhood,” they say. But what if you have already been found in Jesus, and you’ll know the greatest earthly joy and peace by abiding in Him in motherhood? And, oh goodness, speaking from personal experience as a child from a work and career-driven family, what if your children lose you in your career?

Daisy on film

Serve your husband and I’ve heard the world equate it to slavery and bondage. But serve your employer and they call it hard work and success. And my husband loves me infinitely more than any employer ever did. My husband loves me unconditionally and fiercely as Christ does for the Church, and my past employers might not even remember my name, my birthday. They’ll never know the inner desires of my heart, they won’t hold me while I cry, they wouldn’t vow to serve me for the rest of my life in return.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church.” Ephesians 5: 25-29

My husband, Ryan, takes care of us and is passionate about working and providing for our family. And when he does, I feel so loved, so nurtured, so at peace. Being in a position to be taken care of by a man has turned out to be far more peaceful than all my striving in the workforce, far more joyful than society has painted it. I already know I am capable of being a working mom, that I could provide for myself again as I did in my 20’s before I met and married Ryan if I had to, but would my heart be at rest? Would my spirit be at ease?

And I found it interesting that whenever Ryan has had to take off of work for an extended period of time (a long vacation, an injury), he gets antsy and has a lack of peace in his heart. And honestly, every time I have to take time away from my daughter to do therapy with some clients to help pay our bills, I’m just itching to get back to her. I dream and pray for the day that we will be able for me to step back completely from that profession, too. This is God’s design. I’m no longer interested in resisting it. I surrender.

Oh, to witness those tiny hands discover flower pedals and acorns, blades of grass, and wind. To hold her and embrace her with no limits, to know each day is being soaked in to its fullest. What a gift. To be a mother, to have her, to have these days. There is no greater title. No greater blessing.

To be present. To gift Daisy with a mother who is present. How foreign, how new, how holy. It makes my heart dance and sing. Tomorrow we will sit outside by the lake with a book and bundle up in the Florida winter breeze. I’ll fold the last of the clean laundry (or try to). My coffee will continue to go cold, and I’ll forget to finish it. These are the days we might not remember the details of, but moments that will be done in worship unto the Lord, in obedience to His will, and oh my, does God bless our obedience.²

Praise You Jesus. You get all the glory. What would I be without You. Make me holy like You are. Make our home holy ground. Amen.

Katie Donohue Tona

With thanks, 2 Corinthians 13:14,

If you liked this post, feel free to browse the Faith + Lifestyle or Faith + Motherhood sections of The Little Library of WWJ:

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1. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

2. Deuteronomy 28