My Baby Projectile Pooped on the Window & Other Surprises of Early Motherhood
A survivor's guide with no solutions
Hey friends, let’s cozy up together today and talk about why motherhood is so… oh what’s the word I’m looking for? Wet?
One thing I was not expecting as a new mom was to have milk, spit up, pee, or poop on me at all times, and often, more than one at a time.
There are sweet firsts and adventures in that newborn stage for a first-time parent. Figuring out which is the front or back of the diaper, what diaper rash topical is the best, hoping you have enough diapers for the ridiculous number of diapers you’re changing every day. Gee, diapers are a really big part of the equation, aren’t they?
There’s also all the new night life! And I’m not talking about clubs. Who wouldn’t want to be awake at 12:00am, 2:05am, 3:15am, 3:45am, 5:02am, 5:57am, 6:30am, 7:02am, 7:22am and so forth until you’re ready to start your day! You know, recently I realized why babies always wake up crying for those first couple of months. Wouldn’t you if you couldn’t sleep longer than 20 minutes to two hours at a time?
And for all those breastfeeding mamas, let's have a moment for the overnight boob job that makes you look like a cartoon character, the perpetual stickiness, the soaking of bra after bra, shirt after shirt, and not being able to live without nursing pads there to catch all the leakage throughout the day. And trust me, I tried to go without them once at a wedding since my dress could not accommodate nursing pads. Let’s just say I ended up looking like someone threw a cup of milk at each boob and I wore my baby in a carrier for the rest of the night.
Anyhoo, I could ramble on and on about the fourth trimester, but let’s get to why we’re all here today. Projectile poops (PP). I breastfeed and from the mamas I’ve spoken with who fed their babies formula, it seems to be more exclusively a breastfed baby thing, but I could be wrong.
So, when I say projectile, I mean distance. I’m talking pressurized. Velocity. An anti-gravity, physics defying gastrointestinal phenomenon. It’s hit the window. The door. Anyone within a four-foot radius in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’ve found poop splatter in obvious places like the floor by the changing table, the lamp on the changing table, the plant leaves by the window next to the changing table, and more peculiar places like the outside of dresser drawers, the outside of the diaper bag, the floorboards that are just a bit too far from the changing table.
There was one PP incident that I just narrowly missed, but my husband witnessed in its full glory. Baby girl painted the wall behind the changing table. I’ve included a picture below for reference.
Wherever you see pink is what would light up under a blacklight. I’m not even sure how such a small human can create that much liquid. That wall? Cloaked. That camping lantern for middle of the night diaper changes. Covered. Everything else you see? Splattered. My husband who is not featured in this reenactment photo? Use your imagination and don’t go easy on him.
As you can see, ground zero is about two to three feet from the bottom of the picture frame. I can understand PP being shot at a 180-degree angle, completely nailing the doorknob, but to shoot upward and outward? I only just passed physics in college, so if anyone has any insight, feel free to educate us. And yes, we did have to move the changing table to clean the wall behind it.
There is something so sweet about the newborn stage (or should I say slimy?). I think I can say that now that baby girl is almost four months old. By the way, there’s probably dried pee on my hands as I type this and I’m not exaggerating. Anyways, my daughter smiled at me today and made me forget what childbirth and sleep deprivation felt like. Aren’t babies such gas lighters blessings for that?
To all the parents of littles out there:
Katie Donohue Tona
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Thanks for the laughter before days end. I never had children but cows are quite gifted in these areas as well. God bless mothers and fathers of infants!!
I am CACKLING this is amazing 🤣💖